There’s something about love stories that have always gotten to me. And not necessarily in a good way. The general bullshit of man meets woman (or man meets man or woman meets woman, or any variation of such), and they lived happily ever after. As if there is nothing else that is important besides the happily ever after at the end of the story. As if, with one kiss, or one ring, or a few words, or a baby, or a promise, the main characters are over, the story finished, never to hit a road bump or have an argument or change their minds ever again. And this is coming from a published romance novelist.
As mentioned in my previous post, What A Girl Wants, I’ve always been a very independent person. Independent to a fault, really, as my happiest day is the one where I literally do not speak a single word to a single person. A day when I do not even see a single person. I pretty much have three close friends, total, and I can go weeks without speaking to any of them and still like them. I have a few friends whom I will avoid like crazy when I see them, simply because I don’t feel like talking.
Middle school and high school was ridiculous to me because, while I used each class period to write under the table, or read a book while the teacher’s back was turned, my fellow classmates seemed to be in school for one reason only- to find a mate. And while I could reason out having a fun fling now and then, these girls didn’t know the meaning of fling. Relationships were deep and meaningful, and each and every one of the boy they dated were the one. Marriage was imminent. Breakups were the end of the world.
I never understood this way of thinking. This, I am only worth something if I am worth something to SOMEONE. The Romeo and Juliet-esque view of I’d rather be dead than be without him.
If The Boyfriend left me tonight, I’d get over it. I’d be sad for about a day, then I’d shrug and say it wasn’t meant to be. As I’ve said before, I’ve never wanted a boyfriend. Half the time, I don’t want one now, and in Real Life, we are not Boyfriend and Girlfriend, but simply, “We’re roommates who kiss and have sex and stab each other with a fork when they’re hogging the bed.” When someone asks what the title of our relationship is, I usually just tell him or her that we have no title; we’re just living in sin together. About once a week, I decide I don’t want to be tied down to someone and wonder if I should leave, then I remember that he pays half the bills and I decide to wait another week.
Friends have mentioned to me before that that isn’t a healthy way of viewing life- that the only reason for a significant other is to cut down on bills- but the way I see it, they’re the ones who have a sketchy view on relationships. I’m happy alone. I suck at compromising. I want what I want, when I want it, and then I get it, no matter how much work “it” is. I suck at living with another person. I suck at sharing. And that’s all perfectly fine with me. I make myself happy first. I also make myself happy second and third, and then I might start thinking about someone else. You may call me a selfish bitch, but really, I am the only person in the world that I can make happy. I am not in charge of anyone else’s happiness, and neither is anyone else. No one is in charge of mine, and that’s the problem I see so often in the world. The belief that you are “half” a person, the desire to find “your other half.” Bitch, I am more than complete on my own, and if I find someone who compliments me, great. But I don’t need that. One plus one makes two. There is so much more to life than trying to find that one special person who’ll put up with you for the next fifty years. I don’t think there is only one person. The Boyfriend is good for me now, but I am constantly changing, as is everyone else. In a week or a month or a year or a decade, he and I might decide we’ve changed too much for each other. We might no longer bee happy in each other’s company. And when that happens, we’ll go our separate ways, and I’ll be off to find my next adventure, never needing anyone to come with me, but eventually, I may find someone whose journey agrees with mine, however temporarily. No one should have to be miserable as a result of being with someone else.
This is a great big world and I have a great big life. We all do. And I’ll never pause my life, or postpone my own joy. And you shouldn’t, either.